End of an Era (In a Manner of Speaking)

I can't believe that another school year has come and gone.  They have grown and matured and now, as of September, my three oldest babies will all be in school all day.  I am a little sad about this only because I remember giving birth to all three of them, how little they all once were, how attached they were to me and now they will all be spreading their wings and flying.

My oldest will be off to middle school next year.  Walking to school on her own for the first time, it scares the absolute crap out of me but alas I have to breathe and trust her, it's the whole spreading her wings thing again. She is nervous and excited as this is a whole new chapter for her. She is growing and changing so much, I am not even sure how I am going to keep up.  New school, new concepts, PMS, hormones, emotional roller coaster called puberty.  But I know that she will make it through all of these challenges just as she has so many others.  She is my baby (always will be) and my only little girl. I am forever thankful that I was able to have a girl.  I look forward to late night ice cream eating sessions talking about stuff, being there when she needs a shoulder to cry on and building her back up when someone decides to try and break her down.  She is beautiful, unique and I am so proud of her and of all the things that she stands for.  I know that she will be amazing next year and that the nerves will be gone after the first week. I believe she is a born leader, she is strong and smart and beautiful and the world will be hers for the taking.

My oldest son, who will be 8 in September, is amazing in his own right. He is my quiet silent type, he is amazingly brilliant without knowing it. I swear he could build entire countries out of lego from memory.  He is a thinker and an engineer.  He can build things out of nothing.  He loves his DS and his nintendo.  I love him for all the sweet hugs and kisses he bestows upon me but love it even more when he wipes off the ones I give him.  He really doesn't like school but does extremely well. He will be the one who will always be there for his family no matter what.  He will be a gentleman and a scholar (what he really wants to do is make video games for a living) and a well rounded guy who will do anything for you.  He has an old soul and has so much love to give the world.  He will be behind so many great things but won't take the credit for it but will make sure that everyone else does.  He is such a loving and wonderfully easy going kid.  He will go places in this world as long as I keep him engaged and help him tackle the stuff about school he doesn't like.  I can't wait to watch him grow and mature and become the amazing man I know he will be.

My 5 year old son has so many special qualities about him. He will one day make a woman very happy.  If you are doing something he will be the one offering to help.  He loves to help with laundry, unloading the dishwasher, getting dinner ready and vacuuming. He always want to be there with you.  He is very loving and just needs a few minutes alone with you everyday.  He is usually always happy and loves to ride his bike and play outside. He loves his brothers and sister and loves spending time with them.  He is curious about everything and wants to know how everything works. His favourite word most days is "why".  I try not to leave him on his own without knowing where he is as he tends to "experiment" to see how things work, like the time he put the toilet paper end in the toilet to see if he could flush the whole roll.  He will be off to grade one next year and will be at school all day next year.  This will be a huge change for him as he has only been half-day for the last 2 school years. I expect that he will be up to the challenge and I am sure he will do amazingly.

Last but most definitely not least, is my littlest and newest edition.  He will be reaching a huge milestone over the summer as well.  My little guy will be 1.  I can't believe how fast the time has gone.  I remember his birth like it was yesterday, although that can be said of all of my kidlets.  He has grown so much these last few months.  He is almost ready to take his first steps as he scoots around the furniture.  He has become a wonderful addition to our family and I can't wait to see his personality come out to see just who this little man will be.  He is funny and his laugh is infectious.  His smile can light up the whole room and he smiles at you with his eyes. They are beautiful and big and of course he has the longest eye lashes I have ever seen.  He is a happy little guy and he loves his siblings so much. He looks so much like his daddy did when he was a baby.  He's my last little baby and I want time to slow down so he can stay a baby just a little while longer.

I hope that they grow up to all be wonderfully happy and successful adults.  I know that I may not always do the right thing but I will always do what I think is best and will be the most beneficial to them.  I know that eventually as they get older we will disagree but I hope that all the love and support I show them will let them know how much they were loved and that all of the things I did when they were younger really was in their best interests.  At the end of the day I am their mom and I love them with everything I have and I will be there for them through every stage of their lives and that to me is the best thing I can do for them as a parent. So as we head into this new stage of their childhood, I can't wait for what's to come and hope that they all have fun doing it.

Mothers Day - My Mommy View

As this time of year comes around again, I can't be anything but thankful. Thankful for my four beautiful babies. Thankful that someone decided that I should be their mommy.

I remember when I was a little girl I wanted to be a mommy. I didn't want to do anything else because when I was 8 being a mommy was the most important job in the world.  As I got older, I still wanted to be a mom but I knew that I would have to have a good job to take care of all of my kids (I wanted 8) and I wanted to be able to give my kids all of the things that my parents weren't able to give me.  My parents tried their best to get us all of the things we needed or wanted but we weren't rich and they could only afford so much.

Being a mom now, I realize that being a good mom has nothing to do with what I can buy my kids. Being a good mom means loving them unconditionally, making the hard decisions so that they can learn to be upstanding adults with good morals and beliefs and letting them know that I will always be there for them. It's not about the money we have but that they feel safe and loved.

Raising kids today is hard.  There are so many outside influences (and not good ones) that come into our kids lives everyday but as parents we have to make sure we are plugged in, we need to know what they are doing all the time and we have to balance this with the ability to let them grow too.  I am having a difficult time with this part.  My oldest, my daughter, is 10 and next September I have to allow her to walk to school on her own. It's not too far from home about a 15 minute walk but I have all of the horrible things in my head that could happen in 15 minutes.  It's my job to protect her and keep her safe.  How do I do that without smothering her?

When I was her age I was walking alone all the time.  I played at a park away from home for hours.  I went to the store on my own and I was never home after school until dinner time.  But it's not safe anymore.  We need to be vigilant.  I will keep them all safe.

So this mother's day, I don't want or need anything.  I just need them to grow and prosper and be safe. The best gift anyone could give me, I already have. Happy, healthy kids that get to call me mommy and I love them more than any gift in the world, but I wouldn't complain if they let me sleep in.

Parenting after Divorce

If anyone said that divorce is the easy way out, never had to co-parent with another person who's views in no way resembled yours.  Co-parenting my 3 kids with my ex is anything but an "easy way out".

He suffers from major depressive disorder, anxiety and severe OCD. It's very difficult to just stay civil with him let alone raise kids together. Every step forward becomes twenty steps back. He loves his kids, of that much I'm sure, but parenting with him is a whole other ball of wax. 

Let's take today for an example. I won a family pack of 4 tickets to Centreville for their Easter egg hunt and games for this weekend.  I figured since he has the kids every weekend, I would offer the tickets to him so he could take the kids.  That way the only expense is the ferry across to Toronto Island. Well a few days ago he was a little worried about the ferry because his brain always thinks of everything bad that could possibly happen at all times. So worst case scenario is the ferry tips or sinks and he can't swim so he can't save the kids. So I tell him that ferry accidents are rare and I'm sure that I've never heard of one happening in Toronto. He agrees that he will take the kids and we move on.  Well now a ferry has sunk in Korea and now he doesn't want to take them because it could happen here. 

It's so hard for me to judge what he will do on any given day. When things like this come up, I always tell him not to say anything to the kids so that they don't get disappointed and upset if he breaks a promise to them as he does tend to do. Not on purpose but he can't help the OCD. So after nearly 35 minutes on the phone he is taking them, he's nervous and anxious, but he's taking them because that's what he said he would do.

Then comes our conversation with respect to the easter bunny.  A very simple conversation one would think when you are raising young children but this was in no way a simple conversation.  The three kids are 10, 7 and 5 and up until Christmas 2012 all three still believed in all of it, santa, the tooth fairy and even the easter bunny, fast forward and now only 2 still believe.  Why? Well my daughter asked and he can't tell a lie, even a little one like santa because she will grow up not to trust him as a parent because he told her santa was real and then told her he wasn't.  Seriously?? You are an idiot.  I never distrusted my parents after they told me the truth.  I understand it even more now that I'm a parent.  So he has them over this easter weekend but I know that he isn't going to hide eggs so I tell him to tell them a story about how the easter bunny knows they will be home here and this is where he will hide eggs and I get told he can't possibly tell them that as it would be a lie. GRRRRRRR! They are kids and on the big scope of things, these little lies won't hurt them, they are meant for fun and a little happiness.  I know for a fact he had all of these things when he was a kid but now because he believes in God, he can't let them believe in something that isn't real because they may feel the same way about Jesus. WTF??? Anyway, I told him not to bother that I wasn't going to tell them anything because I am sure they have even forgotten for now anyway  and then that way he doesn't have to be put in a position to tell them the truth and ruin easter and I can still let my kids be little for a little while longer.

After this conversation, I am convinced that I was high or in a drunken stupor to have kids with him (although no matter what I would never change who my kids are as I love them more than life) but now I'm stuck trying to somehow make them well-rounded adults with this man and co-parent them so they can grow and prosper.  At this rate, I am sure I am somehow going to mess it up, but I will keep trying even if he can't.

The Ups and Downs of Parenting More Than One - When Sickness Hits

I am at a loss.  As a parent we want to do everything we can to ensure that our children are safe and protect them from whatever we can.  This includes trying our hardest to make sure we are being safe about bacteria.  Washing hands, sneezing into arms and generally not sharing stuff even with their siblings when they are sick. Personally, I do all of these things and yet here I am on infection god knows how many for my littlest man.  I swear this child has the immune system of a fruit fly.

If it is going around he is going to catch it and he is going to get it worse than anyone else.  I have three older kids that attend the biggest germ factory on the planet, school.  Now I get that kids gets sick and if my kids just have the sniffles I will send them to school.  I do have the luxury of being a stay at home parent so if my kids are really sick, I can keep them home.  My problem is, how do I protect the baby (who has not yet been immunized fully due to his age) from everyday illnesses that continue to plague my household?  Unfortunately, everything that goes around at the kids school, he will get.  Right now we are dealing with Fifths disease, which for my other kidlets, it's not so bad but for baby it's awful.  He is cranky and doesn't want to be put down but doesn't really want to be held either.  He won't play on his own for more than 2 minutes before he starts getting upset again and for me I have never been able to be the "cry it out" type and his crying makes me sick to my stomach and I have to go to him immediately. He is really not sleeping (add here I'm not sleeping as we co-sleep and every move or fuss he makes wakes me immediately) and I miss my happy little man.

Earlier in his little life, he contracted a UTI and viral meningitis from a simple virus that my kids came home with.  All of them only had the sniffles but baby ended up in hospital for 4 days.  Fast forward a few weeks and now he has an upper respiratory infection, a round of antibiotics and a puffer. Another couple of weeks and we are battling yet another cold.  Stuffy nose and can't eat properly, barely sleeping unless he is upright and (insert here once again no sleep for me, unless you count the 6 minutes I got sleeping upright in a chair with babe on my chest) coughing.

I want to protect him but staying home all the time with a mask on really isn't an option. So where does that leave baby and I?  Well I figure he is getting it all out of the way now, so he will be the healthiest older child I've got.  His adulthood will not be plagued with anything more than the common cold.  I could just be kidding myself and he will continue down this path for longer than I would like or I could just place him in a bubble and keep him safe and germ free for life.  But really what kind of life would that be?

So everyday we battle on, taking all the sick-free days we get, enjoying everyday we have.  I'm lucky, my kids aren't battling something much worse or even life threatening.  For those of you parents who are, I send my hugs and my love to you.  I can't even imagine being in that situation.I don't want anyone to think that for one minute I am not completely thankful for what I do have. I just want a little more than 2 weeks of a sick free house.

The Making of Our Blended and Wonderfully Happy Family

Since I haven't really told my story, I thought I would share it.  I hope you enjoy reading it as much I enjoyed writing about it. :)

My journey started 4 years ago when I left my husband of almost 10 years as we just weren't working anymore.  We tried counselling and all the things married couples try but I couldn't stay even for the children. We had grown apart and we wanted different things.  I think overall our breakup was amicable.  We've had a few horrible moments over the past 4 years but we've acted like the adults we are and gotten through it.  

I had honestly dropped out of the marriage prior to our separation but in all honesty so had he. Although he will never admit that he did, not being there for me and the kids on any level other than "providing" for us pretty much left me alone.  I was tired of all the fighting and our kids were only 7, 4 and 2.  I had to make a choice for me and the kids.  Although I don't think that separation and divorce are for everyone, it was for me.  I was unhappy, unloved and taken for granted.  He also in the last 6 years of our relationship created a relationship with God that I chose not to partake in and that caused a lot of problems.  His OCD made life with him difficult since everything he did (including God) was all or nothing.  I struggled for some time coming to the decision as I was going to be on my own with 3 kids and I hadn't worked in almost 8 years. I was strong though and I knew it would be hard but I would do it.

During the last 6 or so months of my relationship I found a little bit of solace and friendship with people I met online.  They were great listeners and I could be me with them and not worry about judgement or criticism.  I was playing an online bingo app on my Iphone with lots of different people around the world.  They were so funny and great to talk with while we played.  This is where I met my now husband.  He lived in England and he would play bingo all the time with us. There was a little group of us that used to all play.  Most of which I still have contact with to this day.
After a few months of chatting online we all started using skype to stay in contact with one another. A few of them are in the USA and a few were overseas in the UK.  I had my first skype conversation with my hubby in December of 2010.  This led to many more conversations on skype and our friendship grew.  He decided to come and visit me in March and was planning a week here with me.  He had spoken to my kids on skype a few times but I decided that I wasn't ready for them to meet him before I got the chance to.  They went to visit their aunt for the week (it was March Break here) and I stayed to spend time with him.  We did all of the touristy stuff that Toronto has to offer.  He took me to the CN tower for dinner (it was my first time too), we spent a night in Niagara Falls and took my parents out to dinner at Stage West.  To be honest he really did all of the things that had been missing in my previous relationship.  We had an amazing week and two days before he was to fly back to the UK, we picked my kids up together as I had decided that it was okay for them to meet him.

The next time we would be together was July.  I flew over to the UK to spend 20 days there with him.  We drove from London to France and then to Spain so I could meet his parents.  We had an amazing trip (it was my first trip on a plane anywhere) and now looking back we laugh that we had the honeymoon before the wedding.  We flew back to Toronto together and he has been here with us ever since.  We got married on September 15, 2012 after only 18 months together and I am so incredibly happy.  He is the most amazing guy anyone could ask for.  My kids love him to pieces (you just have to look at the handmade happy step-fatters day t-shirt they made him) and we all get along wonderfully.  

Don't get me wrong there are a lot of things that we have to deal with that some families who are not blended have to deal with.  Sometimes discipline is an issue for us as all 4 kids are mine but he is helping me raise 3 that aren't his.  We communicate really well most of the time but we still have issues like any other regular family.  Also having to deal with my ex and some of his "issues" can become tiresome and cause problems as well.

Overall, my kids are happy, healthy and enjoy having two men in their lives that love them more than anything on the planet.  Although the new baby is technically their half-sibling we have never stated it that way, nor will we.  As far as we are all concerned, they are brothers and sister and that's it.  They absolutely adore their new baby brother and because they are older, they love helping with him.  We love them all the same no matter what and at the end of the day, that's all that really matters.