Sunshine after the Rain: Finding Happiness after Divorce

As I sit here typing this, I am wondering why am I choosing to write this now?  I think it is actually therapeutic.  I can finally tell the story about what happened and then be done with it all.  Well almost done, we do have 3 kids to raise without screwing them up but I think we may just be able to do that.

15 years.  That's what I felt I had lost, but I've gained so much more. I'll explain.

I was with my ex from the age of 18 until I was 33.  We were married almost 10 years when I made the decision to leave the marriage.  The decision was all mine.  He says he didn't see it coming but I'm not sure how he couldn't have.

My decision to end things was not made lightly.  I had 3 small children to consider.  I hadn't worked in almost 8 years so I wasn't even sure how I was going to be able to support us if I couldn't find a decent job. I stressed about it for months but finally in December 2010, I just couldn't think of any more reasons why I was still in the marriage at all.  I worried how it would be for the kids but I knew that leaving the constant fighting and tension and the loveless relationship had to be better than staying in it.  My ability to be a wife to him anymore was gone.  I had honestly begun to hate him, actually hate me and the person I was with him.  I had let him make me feel worthless, lonely and depressed.  My whole entire being was based on who I was with him.  I didn't like me anymore, I didn't like the person I was with him or my kids.  It wasn't all his fault though, I had let him.  I had given him all the power and it was time to take it back.

Then it hit me.  The person I had become was an awful mom, an awful wife and an awful friend.  The depression had taken over my life and I didn't even want to be in it anymore.  I loved my kids more than anything in the world and I had to get me back for them.  I had to be the mom they needed and I needed to do it now.  The only way I knew that I could accomplish this was to leave what was making life unbearable, him.  I didn't love him anymore.  I didn't love me anymore, so I told him I was done.

Oh my god, it was absolutely freeing.  I felt a weight lift.  It was an almost immediate sense of relief.  I could be me again.  I didn't even cry over it.  Does that make me sound cold? I hope not because I am not a cold person.  I am loving and caring and not at all cold, I just had spent the last 5 years of my life, my marriage unhappy and resentful.  I even thought in those last 5 years that having another baby would help change things, make things better.  It did not, it made things worse and then I had 3 children to deal with and depression and a crappy marriage. 

We just grew apart.  We wanted different things, needed different things.  He found God, I did not.  He made the choice to make that his priority and that's okay (now) but it wasn't enough for me.  I needed intimacy and emotional connection, he could care less.

Does that make him a bad guy? No, it doesn't.  He just wasn't the guy for me anymore.  He is a great father and loves his kids to death.  He and I can actually talk now as friends would.  No more fighting or arguing (although we do occasionally collide sometimes) and the relationship is better this way.  We still have issues but they are easier to deal with now.  I wish that it had been different, that my kids didn't have deal with a broken home but in the end we will all be happier.

So what's the point of this whole long winded post?  Well the point is, even after divorce, you can be happy again.  You can have everything you ever wanted in love.  Divorce doesn't have to be the end of giving your heart away.  You can learn from divorce.

I learned exactly what kind of a partner I needed and deserved.  I know what kind of a partner I am.  I learned what is really important to me and my life right now.  My kids are my priority and my new partner would have to accept that I am a package deal including having to deal with my ex on a regular basis.

Although I spent 15 years of my life believing I was with my "soulmate" only to realize that I wasn't, I ended up with 3 amazing kids and a truly new ability to love myself, my kids and my new husband.

This time around we are equals, partners in everything.  We truly love and respect one another.  He was divorced as well so we both had the same needs and wants going into this.  We are truly happy and life is good!

The Making of Our Blended and Wonderfully Happy Family

Since I haven't really told my story, I thought I would share it.  I hope you enjoy reading it as much I enjoyed writing about it. :)

My journey started 4 years ago when I left my husband of almost 10 years as we just weren't working anymore.  We tried counselling and all the things married couples try but I couldn't stay even for the children. We had grown apart and we wanted different things.  I think overall our breakup was amicable.  We've had a few horrible moments over the past 4 years but we've acted like the adults we are and gotten through it.  

I had honestly dropped out of the marriage prior to our separation but in all honesty so had he. Although he will never admit that he did, not being there for me and the kids on any level other than "providing" for us pretty much left me alone.  I was tired of all the fighting and our kids were only 7, 4 and 2.  I had to make a choice for me and the kids.  Although I don't think that separation and divorce are for everyone, it was for me.  I was unhappy, unloved and taken for granted.  He also in the last 6 years of our relationship created a relationship with God that I chose not to partake in and that caused a lot of problems.  His OCD made life with him difficult since everything he did (including God) was all or nothing.  I struggled for some time coming to the decision as I was going to be on my own with 3 kids and I hadn't worked in almost 8 years. I was strong though and I knew it would be hard but I would do it.

During the last 6 or so months of my relationship I found a little bit of solace and friendship with people I met online.  They were great listeners and I could be me with them and not worry about judgement or criticism.  I was playing an online bingo app on my Iphone with lots of different people around the world.  They were so funny and great to talk with while we played.  This is where I met my now husband.  He lived in England and he would play bingo all the time with us. There was a little group of us that used to all play.  Most of which I still have contact with to this day.
After a few months of chatting online we all started using skype to stay in contact with one another. A few of them are in the USA and a few were overseas in the UK.  I had my first skype conversation with my hubby in December of 2010.  This led to many more conversations on skype and our friendship grew.  He decided to come and visit me in March and was planning a week here with me.  He had spoken to my kids on skype a few times but I decided that I wasn't ready for them to meet him before I got the chance to.  They went to visit their aunt for the week (it was March Break here) and I stayed to spend time with him.  We did all of the touristy stuff that Toronto has to offer.  He took me to the CN tower for dinner (it was my first time too), we spent a night in Niagara Falls and took my parents out to dinner at Stage West.  To be honest he really did all of the things that had been missing in my previous relationship.  We had an amazing week and two days before he was to fly back to the UK, we picked my kids up together as I had decided that it was okay for them to meet him.

The next time we would be together was July.  I flew over to the UK to spend 20 days there with him.  We drove from London to France and then to Spain so I could meet his parents.  We had an amazing trip (it was my first trip on a plane anywhere) and now looking back we laugh that we had the honeymoon before the wedding.  We flew back to Toronto together and he has been here with us ever since.  We got married on September 15, 2012 after only 18 months together and I am so incredibly happy.  He is the most amazing guy anyone could ask for.  My kids love him to pieces (you just have to look at the handmade happy step-fatters day t-shirt they made him) and we all get along wonderfully.  

Don't get me wrong there are a lot of things that we have to deal with that some families who are not blended have to deal with.  Sometimes discipline is an issue for us as all 4 kids are mine but he is helping me raise 3 that aren't his.  We communicate really well most of the time but we still have issues like any other regular family.  Also having to deal with my ex and some of his "issues" can become tiresome and cause problems as well.

Overall, my kids are happy, healthy and enjoy having two men in their lives that love them more than anything on the planet.  Although the new baby is technically their half-sibling we have never stated it that way, nor will we.  As far as we are all concerned, they are brothers and sister and that's it.  They absolutely adore their new baby brother and because they are older, they love helping with him.  We love them all the same no matter what and at the end of the day, that's all that really matters.

Review: The Baby Bullet: My Adventure in Baby Food Making

So I decided today that I refuse to pay for baby food for my youngest child. I am so excited to try the baby bullet that I purchased today from Walmart for $59.00. I figure the cost will definitely be worth it over the course of baby's food adventures and will more than likely save me way more than $59.00.

So I decided today was as good a day as any to try it out. My little man is 7 months old now and he's had quite a few different foods so I figured why not just give him what we were having for dinner. 

Overall, I was quite impressed by the amount of stuff that came with the baby bullet. I got the bullet base (the motor), a large blender cup for making large amounts to freeze or for 7 days worth of food, a small cup for single serving, an instruction manual that also contains recipes for homemade baby food, it came with two different blades as well, one is for blending and puree and the other is for milling (if you wish to make your own version of baby cereals), a silicone container for freezing 6 portions and 6 small containers with lids and a ring that you can twist to the date you made them for refrigerating up to 3 days and a silicone spatula. I purchased an additional 6 small containers as I got them on clearance at Target.

I was quite excited to start using it as I figure I'm already feeding 5 other people it should be easy enough to fit baby in too. So I used the small blender cup which you can see in the picture on the left.  I didn't want to make too much as my son isn't really eating too much at a time.

I found the product overall very easy to use.  It was very quick too.  I had his dinner which was chicken breast, rice and mixed vegetables done before my husband was finished serving everyone else at the table.  I noticed while blending, that I had to keep adding a little water as my son still needs very fine puree but otherwise it was easy to get the consistency we needed. It was easy enough that my 5 year old would have no trouble being able to help me make the food.

I was able to get 3 servings of about 1 1/2 tbsp each from 1/4 of a large boneless chicken breast, 1 1/2 tbsp. of rice and 2 tbsp of mixed vegetables.  I used one serving for dinner and put the other two in one of the small containers.

Overall, I believe this product is going to be just what I need to save some money and be able to feed my baby knowing exactly what he is eating.  I think this product is good value for the money and I am looking forward to our adventures in baby food making.  Next I think I may try some fruit puree as those seem to be his favourite right now.

I think if you have the ability to use this product it can work well for any size family and for the price, I say you have got nothing to lose.

 **Please note I was not in any way paid for this review and these are my opinions only